Humanity in the Darkest Places

“My sorrow trickles down my arm in crimson tears. The wound is a red-tinted window that hides my pain and my body is a lock box of misery. And the key just happens to be in the shape of a razor.”

I wrote this piece a little more than a year ago. It scares me sometimes when I look back at my writings because I know I was in that dark place.

I feel like I’m back there again.

This past week, I’ve been suffering from debilitating migraines AND a severe toothache. The latter is supposedly “normal” because I’ve just had some dental work done and my dentist told me I might have to deal with the nerves being over active for a while. But whatever it is, it hurts. I’m waiting until mid-month to talk to the dentist again because I know better than to complain to any healthcare professional too early after a procedure.

I’m one of those people that love food. Like I hate sports but I would sit through a double-header and watch the whole damn thing if you let me stuff my face with food. And if you start talking to me about food and cooking, we’ll probably become instant friends. But to take eating away from me, that’s just plain evil.

As for my migraines, it comes and goes. In the past I took medication but it didn’t do much (and just made me feel sleepy) so I stopped relying on them. Please don’t expect me to go to my doctors because I think they’re tied by a system that they themselves hate but can’t seem to get away from the evils of the greedy healthcare system.

When I was approached by a friend about marijuana as pain treatment, I so wanted to try it. I am soooo against the use of illegal substances but I am not even gonna lie about it. I want to try it. I don’t wanna get high. I just want the pain to go away.

I know it’s sad and probably cliche to talk about physical pain vs. mental pain. But it’s horrible to know when the treatment is out there but it’s not within reach. Because of greed. Because of money.

Yesterday, I read of Facebook post of a widow who hasn’t received a paycheck in months because he’s business owner who pays his employees first despite his own hardships at home. The owner of the pizza place has three sons all with diabetes. And with premiums at almost $1K just for diabetes medications alone, hes behind on mortgage and car payments.

Now *that* is insane. That much just so his kids won’t risk ending up in the hospital? That much, just to live healthily? I am not going into the political and healthcare-related baloney (trust me when I say I wanted to insert a string of expletives here) because that alone gives me a bigger headache.

But the support of the local community, patrons are lining out the door of his restaurant. His business is thriving. At least this week it is. But business is going to slow again. That is just a bandaid solution to all this baloney. Not everyone who’s ill has that kind of support.

It’s sad that Americans has had to rely on GoFundMe for medical help. SAD SAD SAD. Sad to hear that money really does make the world go round.

Makes it’s hard to remember that LOVE does as well.

I guess I am just ranting at this point. I’m sorry and not sorry at the same time. I’m just having a hard time right now and I don’t know how else to convey my feelings except in writing.

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